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Re: Warning - Never use your bass trom as a rocket launcher !!

My God!  By the time everyone is through re-writing this 'joke' and adding their
own to it, it will earn recognition by Guinness.  Well, isn't that interesting?
I'm thirsty!
TTFN
Gary Maxwell
Bass Trombone
Bakersfield Symphony Orchestra
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
RMBatten@xxxxxxx wrote:

> >August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
> >
> >Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de
> >Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make
> >his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the
> >orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an
> >outdoor children's concert.  In complete seriousness he placed a
> >large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to
> >a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute
> >and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha
> >in-line double-valve bass trombone.
> >
> >Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through
> >bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone
> >would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the
> >energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute
> >high above the orchestra, like a rocket."
> >
> >However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified
> >to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up
> >before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the
> >horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the
> >orchestra.
> >
> >What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during
> >those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he
> >failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast
> >propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola
> >sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the
> >stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly
> >into the front row of the audience.
> >
> >Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus
> >they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed
> >under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor
> >backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were
> >driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row
> >of dominos.  The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of
> >people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding
> >to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as
> >constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
> >
> >Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding,
> >back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to
> >Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to
> >stand still.  Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt
> >searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a
> >Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet
> >reakshon!"  Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had
> >set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental
> >law of physics.  Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his
> >trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated
> >jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which
> >exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
> >
> >The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was
> >so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle,
> >turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo
> >backwards off the riser.  And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell
> >backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the
> >pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the
> >trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the
> >3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
> >
> >The morale of the story?  Be prepared to duck, the next time you hear
> >someone in the low brass section yell out "Hey, everybody, watch this!"
> >
> ------------
> Richard Batten
> Bass Trombone (though much more sensible than the one above !)
> Rolls Royce (Coventry) Band
> (and at the moment enjoying the hospitality of the Woods Manufacturing Brass
> Band in Ottawa).
>
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