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A tale of woe for all bass trombonists

> The Darwin awards
>
>
> >     These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of)
> >     that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has
> >     done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene
> >     pool.
	   John Croker
> > August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay  Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with
> > the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration
> > decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part
> > of
> > the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor
> > children's concert.
> > In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which
> > was
> > equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum
> > straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new
> > Yamaha
> > in-line double-valve bass trombone.  Later, from his hospital bed he
> > explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that
> > the
> > bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead,
> > would
> > focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the
> > mute
> > high above the orchestra, like a rocket."
> > However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use
> > high-powered artillery and in his  haste to get the horn up before the
> > firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high
> > enough
> > so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
> > What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those
> > delirious moments of divine  inspiration.  First, because he failed to
> > sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute
> > between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the
> > orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the
> > conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of
> > the audience.
> > Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they
> > were
> > protected from serious injury,  for the chairs collapsed under them
> > passing
> > the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of
> > people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people
> > in
> > the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing
> > wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased
> > logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass
> > playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
> > Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on
> > stage Paolo's Waterloo was still   unfolding.  According to Paolo, "Just
> > as
> > I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still.  Everything
> > moved in slow motion.  Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I
> > could
> > swear I heard a   voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer
> > iz
> > un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!"
> > Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for
> > a
> > textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed
> > to
> > plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast
> > to
> > send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the
> > trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
> > The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet.  The force of the blast was so
> > great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle,
> > turning
> > it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off  the
> > riser.
> > And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on
> > the
> > slide of the trombone allowing the  pressure of the hot gases coursing
> > through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden
> > spear
> > into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
> > The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the
> > trombone section yell out  "Hey,   everyone, watch this!"
> >
> >
> >


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