For trombone players in the US

[njh]

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Each year thousands of people are maimed, killed,
or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck, and shoulder
injuries sustained by reed players, french horn, and string sections
seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking,
not to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing
problems reported by musicians of all types who are forced to play the
music of Wagner, Mahler, and Brahms as well as the hundreds of alumni
of the Herman, Ferguson, and Kenton bands and devotees of Kid Ory,
Jack Teagarden, and Lee Gifford.

There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale
of trombones and equip them with child safety devices. The influential
trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been
several proposals for requiring a "trigger lock" on all bass
trombones.
Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children
attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an
unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an
unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a
playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung
or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort
themselves. The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked"
is no excuse! Trombones should be stored out of reach of children.

Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a
trombone, which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law
enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an
international list of registered trombone offenders and against
Slide-O-Mix addicts have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful
Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are
particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the
"sawed-off" trombone or "sakbuts." Legislation is also pending in
several progressive states including New York and California to make
carrying a concealed trombone a felony.

Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the
books that simply need stricter enforcement, such as the 1932
nation-wide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's
Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised emptying of spit valves on
public property, a filthy, unsanitary habit that will help spread the
flu this year. One popular response to the spread of delinquent
behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those
using a trombone while committing a crime (Use A Trombone -- Go To
Jail). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in
identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have
often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist what
eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other
legal assault weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective
when used in conjunction with the new "Three Sharps, You're Out"
statutes that have already been approved by many state legislatures.

Of course, the automatic and semi-automatic valved models (both piston
and the European rotary) are much more dangerous than the traditional
trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of the
rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely
eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty
of Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of
the period and the American Federation of Musicians. You may recall
that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of
the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and
Europe.
It is believed that the new source of these WMDs are isolated
factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power of
the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the
founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.

Remember: WHEN TROMBONES ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL PLAY "I'M
GETTING SENTIMENTAL OVER YOU."